So many good jokes come aboard, that need to be shared. This
page will bring them to you. No one will be spared!
Posted 1/09/04: (From Gordon Gray)
1. The first German serviceman killed in WW2 was killed by the
Japanese
(China, 1937), the first American serviceman killed was killed by the
Russians (Finland 1940), the highest ranking American killed was Lt. Gen.
Lesley McNair, killed by the US Army Air Corps. . . . So much for allies.
2. The youngest US serviceman was 12 year old Calvin Graham, USN. He was
wounded and given a Dishonorable Discharge for lying about his age. (His
benefits were later restored by act of Congress).
3. At the time of Pearl Harbor the top US Navy command was Called CINCUS
(pronounced "sink us"), the shoulder patch of the US Army's 45th
Infantry
division was the Swastika, and Hitler's private train was named "Amerika."
All three were soon changed for PR purposes.
4. More US servicemen died in the Air Corps than the Marine Corps. While
completing the required 30 missions (I believe in Europe the original
mission total was 25, later raised to 35) your chance of being killed was 71
percent.
5. Generally speaking there was no such thing as an average fighter pilot.
You were either an ace or a target. For
instance Japanese ace Hiroyoshi Nishizawa shot down over 80 planes. He died
while a passenger on a cargo plane.
6. It was a common practice on fighter planes to load every 5th round with a
tracer round to aid in aiming. This was a
mistake. Tracers had different ballistics so (at long range) if your tracers
were hitting the target 80% of your rounds were missing. Worse yet tracers
instantly told your enemy he was under fire and from which direction.
Worst
of all was the practice of loading a string of tracers at the end of the
belt to tell you that you were out of ammo. This was definitely not
something you wanted to tell the enemy. Units that stopped using tracers saw
their success rate nearly
double and their loss rate go down.
7. When allied armies reached the Rhine the first thing men did was pee in
it. This was pretty universal from the lowest
private to Winston Churchill (who made a big show of it) and Gen. Patton
(who had himself photographed in the act).
8. German Me-264 bombers were capable of bombing New York City but it wasn't
worth the effort. (?)
9. German submarine U-120 was sunk by a malfunctioning toilet.
10. Among the first "Germans" captured at Normandy were several
Koreans.
They had been forced to fight for the Japanese Army until they were captured
by the Russians and forced to fight for the Russian Army until they were
captured by the Germans and forced to fight for the German Army until they
were captured by the US Army.
11. Following a massive naval bombardment 35,000 US and Canadian troops
stormed ashore at Kiska, in the Aleutian
Islands. 21 troops were killed in the firefight. It would have been worse
if there had been any Japanese on the island.
========================================================================
Now a few for fliers
Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death ....I Shall Fear No Evil ... For
I
am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing. (sign over the entrance to the SR-71
operating location Kadena, Japan).
You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3. (Paul
F.Crickmore-test pilot)
From an old carrier sailor - Blue water Navy truism; There are more planes
in the ocean than submarines in the sky.
If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a
helicopter -- but in any case it's unsafe.
Navy carrier pilots to Air Force pilots: Flaring is like squatting to pee.
When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power
left to get you to the scene of the
crash.
Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying club.
What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a
pilot screws up, the pilot dies; if ATC screws
up, the pilot dies.
Never trade luck for skill.
The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are:
"Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" and "Oh
S#@+!"
Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.
Progress in airline flying: now a flight attendant can get a pilot
pregnant.
Airspeed, altitude, and brains. Two are always needed to successfully
complete the flight.
A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is
prevarication.
Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!
Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the
purpose of storing dead batteries.
Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person
on the ground incapable of understanding or
doing anything about it.
When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten.
Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on
a sunny day.
Advice given to RAF pilots during W. W. II: When a prang (crash) seems
inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest,
cheapest object in the vicinity as slowly and gently as possible.
The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill
you. (Attributed to Max Stanley, Northrop test
pilot)
A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its
maximum. (Jon McBride, astronaut)
If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash
as possible. (Bob Hoover - renowned aerobatic
and test pilot)
If an airplane is still in one piece, don't cheat on it; ride the bastard
down. (Ernest K. Gann, author & aviator)
Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.
There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime. (Sign over
squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970).
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and, a good
bowel movement. The night carrier landing
is one of the few opportunities in life where you get to experience all
three at the same time. (Author unknown, but someone who's obviously been
there)
"Now I know what a dog feels like watching TV." (A DC-9 captain
trainee
attempting to check out on the 'glass cockpit'
of an A-320).
If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.
Basic Flying Rules Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the
edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of
ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more
difficult to fly there.
You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to
taxi to the terminal.
Posted
8/24/02: (From Chuck Mull)
A cleaning lady was applying for a new position.
When asked why she left
her last employment, she replied, "Yes, Sir, they paid good wages,
but it was the most ridiculous place I ever worked. They played a game called
Bridge, and last night a lot of folks were there.
As I was about to bring in the refreshments, I heard a man say, 'Lay down and
let's see what you've got.'
"Another man said, 'I've got strength but no length.'
"Another man says to the lady, 'Take your hand off my trick!'
I pretty near dropped dead just then, when the lady answered, 'You
jumped
me twice when you didn't have the strength for one raise.'
"Another lady was talking about protecting her honor and two other ladies
were talking and one said, 'Now it's time for me to play with your
husband
and you can play with mine.'
"Well, I just got my hat and coat and as I was leaving, I hope to
die if
one of them didn't say, 'Well, I guess we'll go home now. This is the
last
rubber.
Posted 8/24/02: (From Skip Orem)
Let's
see if I understand how the world works lately...
If a man cuts his finger off while slicing salami at work,
he blames the restaurant.
If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of
lung cancer, your family blames the tobacco company.
If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home
drunk, he blames the bartender.
If your grandchildren are brats without manners,
you blame television.
If your friend is shot by a deranged madman, you blame
the
gun manufacturer.
And
if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries
to
kill the pilot at 35,000 feet, and the passengers
kill
him instead, the mother of the deceased
blames
the airline.
I
must have lived too long to understand the world as it
is
anymore. So, if I die while my old, wrinkled butt is
parked
in front of this computer, I want you to blame
Bill
Gates...okay?
Bye!
Have
a Great Day!
Posted 8/24/02: (From Skip Orem)
Subject: Why Computers Sometimes Crash According to Dr. Seuss
Dr. Seuss Explains Why
Computers Sometimes Crash
(Read this aloud, if you can!)
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, and the bus is interrupted at a
very last resort, and the access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, and the double-clicking
icon puts your window in the trash, and your data is corrupted cause the index
doesn't hash, then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!!
If the label on the cable on the table at your house says the network is
connected to the button on your mouse, but your packets want to tunnel to
another protocol, that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall, and
your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, so your icons in the
window are as wavy as a souse; then you may as well reboot and go out with a
bang, 'cuz sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!
When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy in the disk, and the macro code
instructions cause unnecessary risk, then you'll have to flash the memory and
you'll want to RAM your ROM.
Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your Mom!